Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work