Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
This will never not be funny to me.