GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me