goldfish mafia
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I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“i am a sweet baby”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
British websites use biscuits.