@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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@MatildaWent

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

@lanyardigan

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

@IGotsSmarts

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

@thetits

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@ficklenuts

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@mommajessiec

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@SavageDabs69

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@TheWriteStuff2u

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”