goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.


End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY


If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.


HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud


Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.


I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.


Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….


Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”