goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today