goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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Favourite diary entry ever
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Beauty and the Beast
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.