goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.


[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*


Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.


Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer


Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.


If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.


Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*