Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.