Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?