goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
When they try to steal your moment.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Wait for it
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?