Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.