Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Watermelon Boss!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
how to have an accident 101
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences