*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I drew y’all a little something.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone