Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
You Might Also Like
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?