Golf would be better with landmines.
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift