Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.