GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
my fav colour is also hitler
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.