Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.