Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.