Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.