@UncleDuke1969
@PaperWash Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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@PaperWash 
@causticbob #titanic
@IanKarmel 22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
@Pulse_NYC So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@huntigula [1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
@MadHatterMommy Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
@Amusitr0n How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
@Coolisiana I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
@crouton_futon “Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
@ThisAlexStein The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.