gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
another case of gang violins
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place