gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.