Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You Might Also Like
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.