Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress