Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
#milo
I feel this so hard
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.