Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes