Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.