Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
You Might Also Like
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
uh oh
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”