Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[at the general store]
me: one general please
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”