gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.