gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
he looks great for his age
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.