gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
You Might Also Like
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
2 years later
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…