Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*exercises sarcastically*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.