@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

You Might Also Like

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

@thelateinnings

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

@DanMentos

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

@SerenaEGolden

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

@thehubrispanda

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

@Dani_Feld

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

@DurtMcHurtt

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.