gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here