gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”


netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now


imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit


every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup


I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.


I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.


There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.