gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
How it started How it’s going
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.