Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You Might Also Like
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
This guy gets it.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.