Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
any last words?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming