Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
You Might Also Like
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’m not proud
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”