gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Every work meeting this week
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.