gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
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My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.