Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
You Might Also Like
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?