Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles