Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.