Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
fixed it
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean