Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
they really do be looking like this
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish