Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Friday night party time 🥳