Good advice.
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Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.