good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“The Perfect Relationship”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
These are too funny not to post 😂
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.