Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
A family that plays together cheats.