Good boy 😂😂
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.