*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hey I worked for it too!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
<—- homeless romantic
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.